Provider

May 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

Why is it that God always seems to wait until we’re literally on our knees before He steps in? Again and again I will be on my last breath of patience, calling all the words of strength and encouragement and promise that I can remember to mind, speaking to myself that God is there and brings strength and is all that I am not able to be, and there He is. Without fanfare or fireworks. He just Is. And I am truly grateful, again and again.

But WHY?!! Why does He seem to make us wait? It’s like He wants to be sure that we’re aware this provision is from Him, stop us from becoming complacent, remind us that it is not us that provide for ourselves, but God who is our Provider. Why does he wait until we’ve bitten our nails down to the quick before rescuing us? Why does He wait until we ask for financial provision, surely He knows our financial situation?! Of course I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that question. It’s a humbling thing, isn’t it. Asking for provision. Admitting that you’re broke, that you’re struggling, that you’re not coping by yourself. It’s breaking down our self-sufficient pride, learning to lean on each other for support, being quick to offer. It’s far easier to be selfless in giving than it is to ask for help.

And then He is not just our Provider of finance but a Provider of Grace, of Patience, of Self Control – all the fruits of the Spirit that are growing in us as we walk with God.

Which makes me think that the patience I have in me is actually God. I can’t figure out the “right” way to phrase this. Are the fruits of the Spirit actually us? Are they the Holy Spirit working through us? Is it more like the way the Trinity is three separate persons in one: when we are born again and baptised in the Spirit does it become a kind of fusion (wrong word, can’t think of the right one)?

I guess I know the answer to the first question. God’s power is displayed in us at its most wonderful when we are at our weakest. He wants us to know that He is our be all and end all. He wants us, in our times of desperation, to recognise that He isn’t just a gift horse; but that He is our Saviour.

I have been feeling pretty ragged recently. I know and recognise Jesus as my Saviour, but my relationships with my husband and children have been suffering. I have been short-tempered and irritable. Life is hard at the moment. There are good things, but it is hard work. I’m not making excuses, I’m just setting the scene a little. I’m feeling ragged and stretched beyond my capacity.

So when I reached the absolute end of my limits this evening putting the boys to bed, I remembered something I keep on one of my profiles:

God Is my strength when I am weak,
God Is my patience when mine has run out.
God Is my love when I feel I can’t cope,
God Is my grace when I just want to scream.
Anything that I have none left of, God Is.
That’s how He can best show His power through our weakness.

You know there are some quotes that when people say them to you, you actually want to punch them because right then as right as they are, and as right as the sayings are, it was the last thing you wanted to hear even if it was the thing you most needed to listen to? (And what you really wanted was a hug?)

Yeah.

Can’t really punch my conscience in the face though……

And yet, without me even really realising what was happening, without fanfare or fireworks, I had patience in abundance this evening after crying out to God, recognising I had gone beyond my own limits of patience and self control and was in Horrid Shouty Mummy territory. Bedtime happened. There was no more shouting or crying or wanting to run away.

I prayed with Bean once he was in bed. I prayed. Thank you God that you love us even when we are angry and shouty and grumpy and horrible. Thank you that you love us anyway. I’m sorry I was so impatient and grumpy today. Please God, let tomorrow be a better day.

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